Our Dysfunctional Church Family

This was recently posted on the Catholic Answers forums -- it had me ROTFLOL and I just had to share it!! Enjoy! :)

(The original post is found at http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=18430)

Liturgical Dysfunction (LD)
One of the challenges in being a Christian is to work on not jumping to conclusions about a person's motives. To try to assign a more charitable reason for a perceived failure. I was inclined to think the worse of those who do change the liturgy to their own liking or point of view. This got me wondering if just possibly there might be underlying physical problem or learning disorder leading to liturgical abuse?

1. Chant Deafness (CD):
This is similar to tone deafness. With Chant Deafness the person not only can't hear the beauty of chant, but even worse, believes that many hymns found in modern hymnals are beautiful. Those who are tone deaf normally can't find a job as a choir director. Those that are Chant deaf actually for some unknown reason appear to be predominantly chosen as choir directors. While we should have empathy for those afflicted with such a horrible syndrome - I think equal opportunity for this problems goes to far.

2. Sign of Peace Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (SOPOCD):
We have all heard of those with OCD that obsessively keep washing their hands over and over. There is a liturgical variant of this syndrome where the priest at Mass can not keep himself from leaving the sanctuary and then shaking the hands of everybody at Mass. Some priests have a milder variant where they can control themselves and only shake the hands of everybody in the front couple of rows.

3. Reverse Posture Syndrome (RPS):
You might observe someone standing after receiving the Eucharist or sitting during the consecration. People who have RPS automatically choose any posture but the one recommended. Strangely some bishops have even encouraged this disorder.

4. Levitating Hand Magnetism Syndrome (LHMS):
This seems to be a very common syndrome that infected the populace sometime in the 60s or 70s. People who have LHMS will display the following symptoms. During the Our Father their hands will start to levitate up in the air and then magnetically attach themselves to the hands of someone else with LHSM)

5. Gender Replacement Syndrome (GRS):
If during a scripture reading or a homily you keep hearing Brothers and Sisters inserted all over the place then this person has GRS. A sure sign that a whole parish is infected with GRS is if you hear the hymn Faith or Our Mothers or any other derivation on that theme. This syndrome is very easy to test in the clinic. You simply ask them to say the word man in a universal context. They are simply unable to do it. Instead you will hear human kind, people, person, or just about anything but the word man. Normally these people can recite any word combinations of the three persons in the Divine Trinity except the words Father and Son.

6. Smells and Bells Allergy (SBA):
Parishes seemed to have worked overtime to make their churches SBA friendly for those who suffer from this severe allergy. The first waft from a thurible is horrible and can make them break out in a rash - rash judgment. Bell ringing at the consecration, especially if done by an altar boy vice an altar girl, will not only wake them up but causes them to seek an antidote immediately. This allergy seems to be extremely selective and in tests done cowbells, tambourines, their cell phone going off during Mass, wind chimes and other forms of instruments that can chime cause no discomfort, but the slightest ring during the consecration causes major discomfort. Symptoms include guttural muttering about pre-Vatican II and verbal aspirations about traditionalists (said as if it is a swear word. The smell allergy also seems to be highly selective since many subjects followed new age concepts such as aroma therapy and many liturgical practices that don't pass the smell test they can easily accept.